


it was kara

by shes_cured



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Romance, Secret Relationship, SuperCorp, They both need a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_cured/pseuds/shes_cured
Summary: Even if their relationship has to be a secret, Lena knows nothing more than she knows that Kara is her once in a lifetime love.But secret relationships are never easy, especially in high school.two shot high school AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea float into my mind and it wouldn't go away until I wrote it. it was meant as a one shot but it ended up being almost 20k words, so I broke it up into two chapters. the style is a little different from my other fics, so let me know if you like it!!

_She's so beautiful_. That was all Lena could think. Kara was so, _so_ beautiful. Even in sweats and a t-shirt she was beautiful, but in the dress she wore to this party she was absolutely stunning. She was pretty sure the party they were at was for Winn's birthday, but she wasn't totally sure. Kara had slipped her an invitation and made that stupid face Lena couldn't say _no_ to, so there they were.

As she watched Kara talked to Lucy across the crowded room, Lena wondered if she could even feel her stare. Did she even know how alluring she was? If she did feel it, she did a great job pretending she didn't. She stayed focused on Lucy who was probably droning on about something incredibly boring by Lena's standards. Probably a boy of some sort.

Honestly, all Kara talked about was how much her friends drove her crazy, yet she made no move to leave them. Lena was the one who listened, then forced a smile when Kara chose them over her in public. Like right now.

But she understood. She did. Their situation was complicated, and there was more to it than met the eye. It wasn't as simple as Kara ignoring her. Being close at all was dangerous, never mind being _them_.

“You're staring again,” Jack appeared next to her with two red solo cups.

Lena took the one he offered to her, briefly looking up, then returning her gaze to Kara. “I know.”

“You deserve a better friend than her,” he told her for what might have been the billionth time.

That one Lena didn't know. Or maybe she did. Maybe their relationship was one masochistic mess. It did hurt sometimes – it sucked always being ignored in public – but at the same time, it was Kara. If it was anyone else, she'd probably leave, but it was Kara.

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

Jack sighed, and Lena saw him shake his head out of the corner of her eye. “She won't love you the way you want to be loved,” he murmured. “I wish things were different, but it's never gonna happen. Just walk away before you hurt yourself even more.”

Lena glanced down at the cup of alcohol and took a long swig.

Jack let out a heavy sigh at the lack of an answer. “You can't crush on her forever. And she's gonna find out you have feelings for her sooner or later, and that'll be nothing but awkward. You gotta try to move on. She's just a girl.”

Lena took a second longer to stare, to take everything that was Kara Danvers in, then she turned to Jack with a bittersweet smile. “I wish that was the case, but we both know she's not _just_ a girl, Jack.”

He was silent, but his eyes were filled with worry and sadness.

“She's my best friend,” Lena told him.

He grimaced at the term. “She's straight.”

“Maybe so,” Lena didn't bother denying it. “But she's still her. She’s still Kara.”

Jack looked over to the girl who was still ignoring them, then shook his head with disapproval. “Kara or not, you deserve to be treated better. She's a shitty friend.”

“You don't know her like I do.”

“I know enough to know that she hasn't said hello, despite being the one to invite you,” he spat out. “Why are you friends with someone who only wants to be your friend behind closed doors?”

“Because,” Lena racked her brain for a better answer, but there was none, so she gave her best defense. “It's Kara.”

 

xx

 

Four hours later, Lena's back was flat against the bed, her head propped up on a pillow and that _so,_ so _beautiful_ girl’s thighs were on each side of her waist as she straddled her.

“You looked… I don't even have words,” Kara rushed out in a low murmur. She reached down, stroking Lena's cheek with the most wonderful look in her eyes. Her breath was heavy, her words were passionate. “You're so perfect, Lena. How are you so perfect?”

“ _Me_?” Lena laughed at the thought. “Kara, I couldn't take my eyes off you.”

“I know,” she grinned. “I picked this dress just for you. Did you like it?”

Instead of answering and feeding her cockiness, Lena's hand went to Kara's neck, fiddling with the chain around it. “You wore the necklace I got you.”

“I haven't taken it off,” Kara told her. “I like having a reminder of you with me all the time.”

Lena wrapped her arms under Kara's and pulled her down until their bodies were pressed together again.

“I love you so much.”

“And I love you. _So_ much,” Kara reciprocated. She glanced down with remorse. “I'm really sorry things aren't easier.”

For a moment, Lena flicked her gaze elsewhere as well, but, as it always seemed to, it returned to Kara in a split second. “Me too. But I'd rather things be hard than not have you in my life.”

Kara perked up at that, connecting their lips again. “Thank you for being my girlfriend.”

Lena was smiling again. She couldn't _not_ smile when she was reminded that Kara was hers. “Thank you for making it worth it.”

 

xx

 

“Can we go for a drive?” Kara asked out of the blue.

Lena peeled her attention away from her book and turned to focus on her girlfriend. “A _something's wrong and we need to talk_ drive, or just a drive?”

“Just a drive. I want to blast music with the windows down as we scream along to songs you hate – yet know all the words to,” she grinned at the thought. Then, she bit her lip as if Lena actually knew how to say no to her. “We don’t have to. But we haven't done it in a while. I do it alone, but it's so much more fun with you.”

Lena set down the book completely, standing up to get her keys. “Your wish is my command, darling.”

And despite the shitty music, watching Kara smile and dramatically sing along as the wind blew their hair around like crazy left her feeling on top of the world. Nothing would ever beat this. It couldn’t.

 

xx

 

“Where were you all weekend?” Jack asked at lunch on Monday. “Your replies were scarce. And that's putting it quite nicely.”

Lena thought of Kara. She came to Lena's on Saturday morning and it was one of the rare nights she slept over. They spent all day together, then all night, doing things as innocent as Lena painting Kara's nails and as risqué as having those same short nails pumping inside of her while their moans filled the room.

“I had a lot of homework. I was trying to perfect my Spanish project.”

Jack didn't question the answer, taking it at face value. “You are literally the biggest nerd I know.”

 

xx

 

“Lena!” Kara ran into her room that night. Lena didn't have time to process it before she had jumped on top of her. Her arms squeezed Lena's neck as she planted kiss after kiss on her face. “I missed you!”

“It's been less than twenty-four hours,” she laughed at the greeting.

“Don't remind me,” Kara kept up the constant kisses as Lena squirmed around under her. “That's way too long, if you ask me.”

As clingy as Kara may sound, Lena had to agree. Kara was someone she'd spend every waking moment with if she could. She wished she could.

 

xx

 

It was a Sunday afternoon and they were sipping iced coffees when Kara dropped the bombshell.

“Mike asked me out on Friday,” she blurted out mid-conversation. Her eyes were panicked and guilty and didn't seem to know where to look. “I've been meaning to tell you, I just didn't know how.”

Lena looked down, but her voice was suddenly lower. She couldn't stop the bite in her tone, despite trying so hard to stop it from coming out. “I know we’re just friends. It's okay.”

“But we're not just friends. We haven't been _just friends_ in a while,” Kara urgently argued what Lena already knew as the truth. “You mean so much more to me than being _just_ anything. You're so important to me. Just because I can't call you my girlfriend in public doesn't mean you're not my girlfriend. You alone are my world.”

Lena's lips perked upwards at that. Suddenly she felt shy and bashful. She didn't think Kara even knew the impact of the words she spoke so casually. She hated the situation, but Kara's love for her always managed to put her on cloud nine.

“I know you need to say yes,” Lena sighed. What had to be done had to be done, but she still couldn't hold in the bitterness too long. “You need to if you want to keep being straight, right?”

“Lena–”

“I know. That was unfair,” she looked down with a mix of shame and anger. She was angry at the situation, not at Kara. She didn't need to take it out on her. “You know it's true, though.”

“I do,” Kara regretfully sighed. “But I don't want to date him, Lena. I want to date you. You _know_ that.”

“I do,” Lena forced a smile. “It's just hard to remember when you're on fake dates with someone else.”

“Lena,” she cooed. “I don't want to hurt you.”

“I know you don't. But seeing you with someone else will always sting. Even if it isn't real.”

“I–”

“I should go,” Lena didn't let her finish. She was standing up from her chair, suddenly in no mood for coffee. She wanted to pretend she wasn't so madly in love with someone who had to keep her a secret. “I'll text you.”

She was gone before Kara could protest.

 

xx

 

She didn't text her. It had been four days since the last time they spoke. Four days full of agony and getting Kara's messages but being unable to reply, because it hurt. Thinking of her with Mike hurt – even if it was fake. She _hated_ this situation.

They saw each other in the hallways at school, but Lena knew Kara wouldn't talk to her there. Or she thought she wouldn't. Until she did.

On the fifth day, she showed up at her locker. “What's going on?”

Lena looked at her and almost felt tears. She definitely felt that nervous nauseous feeling in her stomach. She wished she could answer. She loved Kara, and she knew Kara loved her, yet she had this paralyzing fear that she was about to lose her.

“I don't know,” she murmured.

Kara reached out to touch her, then held herself back. “I miss you.”

Lena didn't know three words could hold so much pain.

She pursed her lips. “You already know I miss you too.”

Kara leaned forward in an awkward position in order to force Lena to meet her eye. When she did, Lena saw how much they were begging her for an answer. “Then why won't you talk to me?”

She saw the desperation written in Kara’s features. She saw the want, and desire, and sadness, but she also saw the way they nervously looked around the hallway for bystanders.

“I want to talk about this,” she pleaded.

Lena just shrugged. “What's there to talk about? You need to date Mike.”

“Lena,” Kara was pleading. “You know my parents. You better than anyone _know_ my parents.”

And suddenly reality was flying back in. Suddenly she remembered the way Kara's parents went from absolutely loving their friendship to banning it, purely because Lena came out as gay. Even being seen together was Kara risking their trust. Sometimes she forgot how delicate their relationship truly was. It might bother Lena to have a secret relationship, but Kara was risking everything for it.

“You can come over if you want,” she offered. “We can talk there.”

“Thank you,” Kara gave a heavy sigh of relief.

Lena’s instantaneously day felt better at the way Kara's eyes visibly lightened and hope flooded in. “You're welcome.”

Kara moved to walk away, but Lena stopped her for one more second.

“I miss you too, Kara.”

She already deeply regretted making her doubt that.

 

xx

 

“Did I see who I think I saw at your locker?” Jack immediately asked in their shared algebra class. “Kara Danvers, speaking to you in public? Did I jump onto another realm of reality?”

“Let it go,” Lena ordered.

He sat back in his chair, a knowing look on his face. “So, she _is_ the reason you've been so dark and broody. I knew it.”

“Leave it be, Jack.”

“What'd she do to mess up enough to warrant speaking in public?”

“She had a date,” Lena sighed. “I just… went cold on her. We hadn't spoken since Sunday because I got jealous.”

“Good,” he shrugged it off. “I don't like her at all.”

“You've made that well known. But you know it's complicated.”

“So, what? Her parents said you're Satan and forbid her from hanging out with you. How would they know if you spoke in school?”

“Her dad is the principal,” Lena rolled her eyes at the lack of logic.

“Well, still,” he huffed. “You're supposed to be her best friend, so why do you have to hide it? I don't like this at all.”

“Nor do I, but at least she's still in my life,” Lena tried to get him to understand. “Being her friend in private is better than not being her friend at all.”

“Honestly? I beg to differ.”

“You don't get it,” Lena sighed.

And she knew that was only because she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let anyone in on the relationship she had with Kara. It was theirs. Despite wanting to share it, she also wanted to keep it theirs.

“I understand I don't like her,” he mimicked, his voice pointed. “My advice is ditch her before you fall too deep. If she realizes how much you love her, she’ll only break your heart.”

Lena wanted to laugh. Despite their distance the past five days, Lena knew enough to know Kara loved her. Very much so, in fact.

 

xx

 

“I understand,” Lena rushed out before Kara could say anything when she came over that night. “You need to go out with him. I understand. I just needed to throw my tantrum.”

Kara smiled at the word choice, quickly assuring that, “Your _tantrum_ was well deserved. I wouldn't want to be in your position. And if it's become too much–”

“It hasn't,” Lena was eager to promise. “I love you. I hate our situation, but I _love_ you, Kara.”

“When I have the resources to live on my own, I promise I'll come out that very day. I just – they already slammed your parents and said if I turned out gay they'd kick me out. It's not safe for me to be who I am when I have no where to go.”

“I know,” Lena moved in for a kiss. She had missed her taste so much. “I'm sorry for forgetting that.”

“You're allowed to be frustrated,” Kara held her so tight that Lena wondered how she lived without her. “But you need to know that every single second I'm with him, I'll be thinking of you.”

Lena looked up with a smile. “Is that a promise?”

“Absolutely. I _promise_ ,” she squeezed her for emphasis. “I know you're the best of the best, Lena. I'm not interested in anyone. I never will be. Losing you is my worst nightmare.”

She relaxed in her arms, leaning her head downwards until her forehead was resting on Kara's shoulder. “Can you try not to keep things from me, though? Even if I don't want to hear it, I still want to know those sorts of things right away.”

“I'm sorry,” Kara gently kissed the crown of her head. “Can I come over afterwards? I'll want to see you.”

“I'd like that,” she perked up at the request. “It's a date.”

“Two dates in one night,” Kara mused. “I'm a popular girl.”

Lena took in her scent and felt comfortable in the way her sturdy arms were wrapped around her. “Be as popular as you want. As long as you always come back, we’ll be alright.”

Kara gently pulled them apart, her palm resting flat on Lena's cheek. “It'll always be you, honey.”

Lena placed her hand over Kara's, then pulled it downwards. This time, there was no malice, just playful warmth. “Tell me that after your date.”

 

xx

 

“It's still you,” Kara rushed out, connecting their lips instantaneously as she walked in the next day. “As I said: always you.”

 

xx

 

Lena woke up at seven and moved to text Kara, but she saw she already had a message from her. According to the time stamp it was sent around three. She frowned, hesitating to even open it. Getting a late night message was either really bad or really good.

When she did finally open it, she immediately wore the biggest smile. It was really good.

 

_I know you're sleeping, considering it's 3:18 and you have your freaky sleep schedule thing, but I'm not OCD about my sleep, so I'm sitting up and thinking about how much I love you. And man, do I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The idea of one day losing my parents doesn't even scare me, because the idea of being able to publicly have you overshadows it. The thought of claiming you as mine beyond hickeys and a crown emoji in place of your name in my phone is exhilarating. I know our situation sucks, but I just… thank you so much for putting up with it. I can't imagine my life without you. Not only are you my girlfriend, but you're my best friend – I'd go as far as soulmate, but that sounds a little too cheesy for you. But you are. You're the one I want to wake up to, and look at stars with, and complain about politics. You're the one I want to tease mercilessly about being a nerd, and love endlessly for being you, and stay up late on the phone with only to send a long message at 3:18 in the morning while you sleep. You leave me in complete bliss, Lena. You truly do. And I never want to lose that feeling. I love you, I love you, I love you. Talk to you in a few hours when we're both actually awake. Thank you for being mine._

 

Lena felt the absolute love emanating from the single text. Fuck, did she love Kara.

What a great start to the day.

 

xx

 

“Are you _crying_?” Lena gawked. “Kara, it's just a Disney movie!”

“I don't care what it is, this is traumatizing!” Kara exclaimed as she wiped at her eyes. “Why would they show this to _kids_?”

Lena smiled, wrapping Kara in her arms as she tried to hold in an outright laugh. This was pathetic, but cute in the oddest way. “Pull yourself together, babe.”

“Why would you show me this?” she asked as if turning on _The Fox and the Hound_ was a malicious move. “She just left him there!” When she finally did laugh and Kara wasted no time to call her on it. “This isn't funny, Lena!”

She didn't stop the laughing, but she reached across Kara to grab the remote and pause the movie. When she did, Kara looked at her as if she'd been betrayed.

“How could you do this to me?”

“It's a _Disney_ movie!” Lena reiterated.

Kara took deep breaths, but didn't calm down. “I'm never letting you pick the movie again. A scary movie would have been better than this!”

“Oh my god,” Lena was still trying to hold in the full extent of her amusement. She held Kara tighter, wanting to capture this moment in her memory. “I love you so much.”

“Yeah, well, I'm reconsidering my love for you right now,” Kara huffed.

They both knew she wasn't.

 

xx

 

“Mike is coming over for a family dinner,” Kara announced a week later. She wrinkled her nose. “God, I'm dreading it.”

By then Lena was much more composed over Kara's ’relationship ’ with Mike. She would always wish it could be her, but she understood why it had to be him.

“Why are you dreading it?” Lena was actually confused. “He's the definition of parent material. There's no reason to be nervous.”

“Yeah, I know. I'm not _nervous_ ,” Kara trailed off, then her voice became hurt and distraught. She seemed to be on the verge of tears. “I'd just rather it be you,” her voice cracked. “You have no idea how much I wish it could be you.”

She saw the hurt in Kara's eyes and moved so that she was able to wrap her arms around her. She wanted to hold Kara close forever, to protect her from all the people in the world who wouldn't approve of their relationship. All Kara ever wanted was to make people happy – especially her parents. The agony from her failure to do so shone through, and Lena almost felt guilty for it.

If it weren't for her, Kara's life would be so much simpler. She wouldn't have to sneak around, or lie, or be in this secret relationship. She probably really would be in love with Mike if it weren't for her. They both knew that was a very real possibility. But there _was_ Lena. Kara _was_ in love with her. So, while Lena was sometimes incredibly jealous of Mike, she couldn't forget the vast amount of awe in Kara's eyes when they were focused on her.

“I wish it could be too, darling,” Lena stroked her hair, not knowing what to say to make it better. “Let me know if I can do anything.”

And that started the water works as Kara's nodded, then clung onto Lena's shirt as if it would protect her from the inevitable. “Why can't it be you? Just – why can’t my parents love me despite who I love?”

Lena didn't know what to say, so she kept playing with Kara's hair in silence while they both attempted to regain composure. Kara was sad, but Lena was angry. She didn't care that Kara's parents exiled her, but the thought of them exiling Kara made her furious.

When Kara spoke again, there was still pain, but it was a step down from her previous devastation. “I hate doing this to Mike, and I especially hate doing it to you. I don't want to pretend to love him when I know you're the only one for me. No one will ever compare to you, Lena – not ever.”

Lena tried her best to soothe her. “It's okay. I promise, it's okay.”

“I don't _feel_ okay, though. I don't feel okay at all!” Kara began to get hysterical again. “I don't want to hurt you like this. I don't want to date someone when I'm so in love with you!”

“You're not hurting me,” Lena somehow held her tighter. “I understand why this needs to happen.”

That seemed to calm Kara down somewhat. She took a few deep breaths, then looked up to Lena with swollen cheeks and bloodshot eyes. “I wish my parents were more like yours.”

There was nothing reassuring to say to that without lying, so instead she commiserated. “I wish they were too.”

Lena's parents might be distant, and it might be rare she saw them, they might favor Lex and not bother to hide it, but at least she knew they were okay with her sexuality. Despite their absence, Lena knew that in their odd way, they loved her.

“Am I really worth all this trouble?” Kara asked, seemingly insecure over something that wasn't even a question to Lena.

“And then some,” she was quick to profess with the greatest amount of conviction. “I'd jump through any hoop if I knew you were on the other side.”

Kara laid on her chest, wrapping an arm around her body. “One day things will be different. When I have the means to live on my own, I promise they’ll be different. We’ll shout from the rooftops how in love we are.”

The thought of a future with both of them out and their relationship being a well-known entity made Lena's heart speed up. She couldn't wait for that day. She couldn't wait for the world to know Kara was hers.

“Until then, we’ll love each other here,” Lena murmured. “In this room, our relationship can happen. It's our sanctuary.”

“I adore this room,” Kara whispered. She turned to look up at Lena with those big blue eyes. “But even outside of this room, in case you've forgotten, my love for you is real. In every crevice of the Earth it's real,” she proclaimed. “That's one of the only things in life that I know will never change.”

 

xx

 

Lena felt a Jack sit down next to her at their usual lunch table and she managed to tear her eyes off Kara.

“I see your crush on a straight girl is still going strong,” he narrated with dismay. “I still hope it ends soon.”

It wouldn't. It'd probably never end. It was Kara.

 

xx

 

“I'm studying, Kara Danvers,” Lena sang as they sat in her room. She didn't look up from her flash cards, but she could always tell when Kara's eyes were on her.

“I'm not stopping you, Lena Luthor,” Kara chimed right back. “Study away.”

This time, Lena did look up. “Feeling your stare is distracting.”

“I always stare.”

“Yes, and you're always distracting,” she quipped. “I gotta do this homework.”

“Babe,” Kara moved across the room to sit on her lap. “I'm only here ‘til five. So, how about we cuddle now, then not do our nightly FaceTime later? That way you can study then.”

Lena knew damn well that they'd end up doing both, but she gave in anyway. She could wake up early to cram. Right now, Kara was here. And she'd do anything to please Kara.

 

xx

 

Lena was sitting in physics when she felt a stare on her. She dragged her attention away from the note she was writing to Kara and looked over to see Veronica’s eyes focused directly on her. She didn't even bother to look away when Lena stared back.

“Want to be my partner?” she asked.

Lena couldn't hide her confusion.

“For the lab today,” she motioned to their teacher. “He said we need to pair up.”

“Oh,” Lena stumbled over her words. No one ever wanted to be her partner. Outside of Jack she was somewhat of a loner. She slid the note she was writing back in her folder. “Yeah. Why not?”

 

xx

 

“So, apparently Veronica is gay,” Lena told Jack the only noteworthy thing she'd learned in physics so far that year.

“Sinclair?” he double-checked. “Yeah, that's common knowledge.”

“Why didn't I know about this?”

He looked her over with amusement, then smirked. “Well, maybe if you got your head out of Kara's ass for a few seconds you would've.”

Lena rolled her eyes at the claim. “Not everything in my life revolves around Kara.”

Jack tore his gaze away from her, for the first time sounding less irritated with her ’crush ’ and more pitiful. “I wish that were true.”

She didn't say anything back, so Jack continued.

“If Veronica is into you, give it a chance,” he advised. “Your weird, secret friendship with Kara is never gonna amount to anything more. She's not gay. I wish she was for your sake, but she's not.”

Lena thought about their room. Their kisses, their confessions, their proclamations of love. She thought about how she marked Kara as hers the night before and the way Kara pulled her closer as she came. She thought of everything from Kara's smile to her head tilts to the way she fiddled with her glasses.

“I know,” Lena responded with an edge that said to drop it. “That knowledge doesn't make it any easier to move on, though.”

 

xx

 

Lena received a text in sixth period and smiled at the words behind it.

_I saw you at lunch. You look extra cute today._

She slipped her phone back into her pocket, wanting to savor Kara's words a few moments longer before she replied.

God, she loved that girl.

 

xx

 

It was a Tuesday night and they were sitting in Lena's room again, going over questions that would never matter, but we're fun to think about.

“Okay. So, if you were abducted by aliens, what would you do?”

“Outsmart them,” Lena shrugged. “I'm quite clever when I want to be.”

“You're clever all the time,” Kara argued. “But what if they were smarter? What if their technology was out of this world and you couldn’t outsmart them?”

“Hm…” Lena thought it over, going through all the possibilities before deciding on the best option. “I'd probably just find a way to send a message to you.”

“ _Me_?” Kara sputtered. “What would _I_ do?”

“I'm not really sure,” she admitted. “But I know you always find a way to save me. If I got the message to you, I'd be alright in the end.”

Her honesty resulted in a wide smile across Kara's face. “That was really sweet.”

“It's true,” Lena swore. “Even in my toughest times and bleakest days, there you are to save the day.”

“I wouldn't count on me with extraterrestrial activity, but on this planet I'll always be here to pick you back up,” Kara assured her. “I'll try, at least.”

Lena grinned, wiping blonde hair away from Kara’s face. “Honestly, I think we can get through anything as long as we have each other.”

Kara looked at her with amazement in her eyes again. “Honestly? So do I.”

 

xx

 

They were sitting in Lena's room, laying on her bed side by side. They weren't saying anything, but the silence was comfortable. Lena was once again taking the moment in, hoping the comfort never left her. She loved Kara's touch and the way she rested her head on her chest. No one made her feel the way Kara did.

After quite a few minutes of quiet, Kara's voice sounded through the room again. “Can I ask you a serious question?”

“You can always ask me any question,” Lena told her. “What's up?”

Kara shuffled against her chest in order to look at Lena as she asked, “Do you think we’ll end up being just another failed high school love affair?”

“Oh, darling,” Lena didn't even need to think about it. She ran a hand through Kara's hair, looking right back with pure adoration. “You're my love of a lifetime. The kind some people can only dream of. Nothing about the way I feel equates to a high school love affair in the first place.”

She felt Kara smile against her chest as she looked back down. “You have no idea how mutual that is.”

 

xx

 

“Partners?” Veronica asked before their next physics lab.

Lena didn't know why she got nervous. When she pulled herself together she nodded.

“Good.” She received a smile larger than it should've been. “I love working with the smartest girl in school. Not to mention the prettiest.”

She wanted to run right then and there. To tell her she had a girlfriend. To speak of Kara and how great she was. But she couldn't do any of that, so instead she looked down with an awkward smile. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure,” Veronica offered. “Let’s get to work then.”

 

xx

 

Suddenly Lena knew why Kara kept her date with Mike a secret for two days. She didn't know how to tell her about Veronica's newfound interest in her. She knew she had to, but she also knew Kara would be intimidated and sad over it.

During a moment of silence on their nightly FaceTime, she just forced it out. “I – well – just so you know…”

Well, she tried to force it out, but the words were stuck in her throat. She hated saying things Kara wouldn't like.

“What's wrong?” her girlfriend was suddenly concerned. When Lena's answer was a deep breath and silence, the concern grew. “Do you need me to come over? I can sneak out.”

“No. No, don't risk that,” she sighed. “You're just not gonna like it.”

“Like what?”

She braced herself for the disappointment that was to come. “Veronica Sinclair hit on me.”

And on cue, Kara's voice became guarded and her expression fell. “The goth girl who used to call herself Roulette?”

“Yeah,” she bit her lip, wishing she didn't have to see Kara's crestfallen expression. “Nothing happened, I just thought you should know.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The screen went haywire as Kara shuffled around, then went still to reveal her insecurities. “Did you hit on her back?”

“Of course not,” Lena promised. “I'm only telling you because I'd want to know if I were in your shoes.”

“Yeah, I'm glad you did.” She still sounded sad. “I gotta go.”

“Kar–”

The line was dead before she could finish saying her name. Her calls were ignored the rest of the night, and her texts went unanswered.

She was surprised when her phone lit up at eleven. Her heart sped up when she saw Kara's name.

_I just need to process this. I love you very much, though. Sorry for the distance._

Lena knew it was hypocritical to be annoyed since she'd done the same with Mike – and she didn't even bother to send a reassuring text – but she was annoyed nonetheless. She hated when her and Kara didn't speak for some reason. It was one of the worst things in the world.

Instead of saying that, she opted for the simple answer.

_I love you too._

 

xx

 

When she saw Kara across the cafeteria at school her heart sped up, but it also dropped. They hadn't spoken in 16 hours, which didn't seem like much, but was an eternity for them. All she wanted to do was talk to her.

“You look even more distraught by her than normal,” Jack commented. “Are you finally realizing she's no good?”

Anger rose in Lena, but she reminded herself to hold it in. Her and Kara were just friends. So, no matter how pissed she was that Jack would call Kara anything less than incredible, she had to keep her cool. Snapping at him wasn't a normal reaction when he thought Kara was just a simple crush.

“Stop,” she muttered, taking her eyes off Kara to look at him. “It's just a bad day. We're in a fight.”

“Good. I hope it stays that way,” he declared. “She's unhealthy for you. Anyone who feels the need to ignore you in public, then adore you behind closed doors is bad news.”

But it wasn't as simple as that. It hadn't been for a while.

Instead of coming up with a reply, she checked her phone just in case Kara had texted her, but nothing was there. Lena really hoped her processing would be done soon. She never missed anyone as much as she missed Kara – even if it was only 16 hours.

 

xx

 

They were halfway through the second day of their lab when Veronica asked what was wrong.

“What?” Lena feigned stupidity purely to buy her more time to come up with an adequate answer.

“You seem… distant. And overly quiet.”

“Oh,” she sighed. “Just a fight with my best friend.”

“What happened?”

She wanted to tell her everything, just to get all the secrets out of her. But she couldn't.

“Fell in love with a straight girl.” She kept it vague. “We’re fighting, which we almost never do. I hate it.”

“Yikes,” Veronica whistled. “Well, every lesbian falls for a straight girl at some point. It's practically a right of passage.”

“Yeah. Right,” Lena agreed. “I just wish she wasn't avoiding me.”

“I'm sure she’ll get over it,” Veronica shrugged the distressing situation off. “So, I'm guessing you don't want to go on a date, then?”

“Me?” Lena tried to buy time again. “I – uh – no. I don't feel ready. Sorry.”

“Figures,” Veronica sounded like she was talking more to herself than Lena. “Well, when you're ready to move on from her, whether it's casual or serious, I'd be down to at least take you out.”

Lena felt guilty. She hated this. She wanted to tell her to back off, that she had a girlfriend, but she couldn't.

“I'll keep that in mind.”

 

xx

 

Her doorbell rang at seven that night and Lena already knew it was Kara. Jack never dropped by unannounced.

When she opened the door, Kara’s voice came out airy. “Is anyone home?”

Lena looked around as if she was checking. “No. They're in Mexico.”

Kara stepped in and closed the front door, throwing herself at Lena and attaching their lips. Kara pulled her in closer as if Lena had any intention of pulling away.

“I'm sorry for going MIA.”

Lena shook her head. Her annoyance was gone, replaced with absolute happiness. “As long as you come back.”

Kara kissed her again, letting them get reacquainted before pulling away. “You can count on me always coming back. Of that I can assure you.”

 

xx

 

Apparently Lena's confession of being in love with a straight girl meant nothing to Veronica who still hit on her nearly every day.

“I think you should go for it,” Jack proclaimed when Lena finished complaining about it. “What do you have to lose? Your crush on Kara?”

 _No, Kara in general,_ she wanted to say. Losing Kara would literally break her.

“I don't know,” she simply shook her head. “I just don't like her like that.”

“She's beautiful, she’s confident, she's nice, and she's gay,” Jack listed off. “Just try it. No one’s saying you have to fall in love, but give her a chance.”

She could tell Jack wasn't going to drop the subject, so she shrugged him off. “I'll think about it.”

“She'd be good for you,” he reiterated. “ _Really_ good for you.”

But no matter how good, Kara was better. There wasn't a doubt in Lena's mind that Kara would always be better.

 

xx

 

As Lena sat with Kara in her bedroom, she couldn't help but let her mind spin with thoughts of how different things would be if she was dating someone who was out of the closet. How different would things be if she could call someone her girlfriend in public? How different would her entire life be if she could be honest with the world? If she could stop living lie after lie?

But one look at Kara and all those questions went away. None of that mattered, because doing that meant no Kara. And she wouldn't be whole without Kara.

 

xx

 

“So,” Veronica chatted with her before the bell rang. “It's my weekly check-in. Would your answer still be no if I asked you on a date?”

Lena looked down, then back up, the answer written on her face.

Veronica was obviously trying not to look disappointed, but regardless some seeped through her expression of indifference. “I guess I'll ask again next week.”

“Veronica–”

“It's fine,” she promised. “The pretty girls are always the challenging ones. I believe you're worth the fight.” There was silence for a moment, then an additional comment. “Must be one hell of a straight girl, though.”

That she was.

 

xx

 

When she mentioned Veronica again, Kara's face fell. It was cold and they were sitting in a park on the outskirts of town. They plopped down on a patch of grass as Lena nervously picked at it, pulling strands out of the hard winter ground.

“I don't know how to tell her why I'm saying no,” Lena explained. “I just feel so bad. She's just gonna keep asking only for me to keep saying no, and I want her to understand purely so she’ll back off.”

Kara nodded, looking at the ground as Lena kept ripping the grass apart. “I see.”

“I wish I could just tell her about you,” Lena sighed. “Don't worry, I know why I can't. It'd just make things so much easier.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

She looked up at Kara and gave a small smile. “It's not your fault.”

Kara held their eye contact, then faced the ground. Her words were spoken with a delicacy that was unheard of. “Is this too complicated for you right now?” She gathered her composure, then faced Lena again. “Are the secrets too much?”

“I want you,” Lena was confident and firm. “The only person I want is you.”

“I know,” Kara promised. “But that doesn't mean our relationship isn't too much to handle. We’re just seventeen. I don't want to over complicate your life.”

Lena stared past Kara's shoulder at the clouds, unsure how to answer anymore. A month ago she would've sworn they weren't that complicated, but now she was wishing more and more that Kara would just come out. Half of her knew the rationale behind her not doing so, but the other half so selfishly wanted to stop lying to everyone. This huge part of her life was stowed away from the world, and the longer it went on the more she realized how much it sucked. She just wished things were different. She wished Kara could be who she was.

“I just think we might be at different places with our sexuality,” Lena explained. “I just hate the secrets.”

Kara's nod was slow as tears came to her eyes. “Yeah. I know. Me too.”

“But I love you!” Lena quickly proclaimed. “I love you more than anything. I don't know what to do with that.”

There was a heavy silence between them, then Kara spoke up. “Maybe it's time to press pause on us.”

Lena's head snapped to look at her. Her gut dropped at the insinuation. She didn't know what she wanted to do, but she knew she didn't want to do _that_.

“What?”

Kara shrugged, biting her lip and quickly wiping a tear before it could fall. “I don't want to hold you back from living your life.”

“You aren't!” Lena was protesting without hesitation. “You're the best thing in my life, Kara. I swear on it!”

“Right. But I'm also holding you back from things you really want to have. Like a public relationship. And the freedom to be who you are – to tell the truth.”

Lena was quiet, wishing that weren't true. She wanted to fight it, but she did want those things. She accepted being with Kara meant not having them, though – and she wanted to be with Kara. Being with Kara was worth the sacrifice. She'd do anything if it meant being with Kara.

But right now anything didn't seem to be enough.

“Are you breaking up with me right now?”

Kara pressed her lips into a thin line, meeting Lena's eyes. Neither of them bothered to try to hide their tears. “You need to be who you are, Lena.”

Lena’s breath caught in her throat. Her bottom lip quivered. She felt like world was closing in on her. “What about you?”

“We’re at different places. You're right,” Kara admitted. “I'll get there eventually.”

“You’re really doing this?” It felt like someone was stabbing her over and over, and all she could do was let them. “You're ending what we have?”

Kara opened her mouth, then hesitated before answering with definitiveness. “I have to. You might love me, but you need to be yourself, and I'm not letting you do that. You're lying to everyone, you're keeping things from Jack, and I can't show you off the way you deserve to be shown off… It's not fair to you.”

“You're the very best part of me,” Lena fought, wishing this could stop, wishing it were a bad dream.

Kara looked down, then slowly nodded. “Maybe so. But I can't hold you back from being yourself.”

“Please, Kara. Don't do this,” she was flat out begging. “ _Don't_ do this.”

She watched Kara close her eyes, then take a deep breath, then open them to stare at her apologetically. “I need to be selfless with you. Even if it means hurting the both of us for a little while.”

Lena didn't want this. She didn't want this at all. “I can't change your mind?”

“Maybe one day when I'm out things will be different,” Kara offered. “But that's not right now. It might not be for a long time – I honestly don’t know. But I do know that you deserve someone who doesn't have to hide you.”

Lena looked down, shaking her head with anger and despair. “I _love_ you, Kara.”

“I know. I love you too,” she promised. “I wouldn't be giving you up if I didn't.”


	2. Chapter 2

It'd been a week since her break up with Kara. They hadn't spoken since. Lena felt like she might not ever be whole again – like there would always be this gaping hole inside of her that only Kara could fill. She wanted _nothing_ more than she wanted Kara, and didn't know where to even begin on healing. Half of her doubted it was possible. No one would ever beat Kara. They couldn't.

 

xx

 

“Are you ready to say yes to a date yet?” Veronica asked for the fifth week in a row.

Lena wished she was, but she was even less ready than before. “Ask me again in a month.”

She watched Veronica's big smile exponentially grow and realized she probably sent the wrong idea. She didn't mean to give her hope, she just wanted her to stop asking so frequently. But it clearly wasn't taken that way.

“Okay. Good,” Veronica sounded more than pleased. “That's progress.”

 

xx

 

“Why are you so mopey?” Jack asked for the fourth time in three days. “You've been depressed for three weeks. What the hell’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Lena shook her head. She still wanted to cry every time she thought of her. “I don't want to talk about it.”

Jack looked at Kara across the cafeteria. His voice was cautious. “Is this about her?”

“No,” Lena answered a little too quickly. When Jack’s concern grew, she offered the only explanation she could. “We aren't friends anymore, but I can't talk about that without hurting, so please. Just drop it.”

 

xx

 

The fourth week, she returned to at least being functional.

 

xx

 

The fifth week was hard. It was Kara's birthday. But she didn't break like she thought she would. She did text her, though.

_Happy birthday. I miss you._

There was no reply.

 

xx

 

The sixth week, Veronica asked again.

“It's been over a month. Are you going to let me take you out?”

When Lena didn't react whatsoever due to her mind racing, Veronica prodded further.

“I'll even let you pick the place! My treat. As casual or serious as you want.”

She looked up. She still ached all over, but she wanted to move on. Maybe moving on would stop that aching. She hoped it would. “Sure.”

“Sure?” Veronica's surprise was blatant. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Lena nodded. “There's nothing about you not to like.”

That wasn't a lie, but she wished that would stop her from thinking of Kara.

 

xx

 

The movie they went to wasn’t horrible. Veronica was chivalrous, opening doors and paying for tickets and popcorn, but something was off. She felt guilty. She didn’t know why, she just did. She felt like she was cheating on Kara despite having been broken up for almost two months.

She looked to the girl beside her in the dark theater. The brightness of the movie let Lena make out her features.

Veronica truly was beautiful. She was looking at the screen, smiling at funny parts and reaching for popcorn every few minutes. Lena knew there really was no reason not to like her. She couldn’t think of any major flaws. She was a little overly confident, but it was cute. She laughed at all of Lena’s jokes and let her be herself. From an objective perspective, Veronica was perfect for her. Factually, she was an ideal match.

So, why was there this twisting in Lena’s gut? Why did this feel so wrong?

She chalked it up to needing to adjust to doing this with someone other than Kara. Her and Kara might've only been together for nine months, but they’d gone out together since Lena remembered. Even when they were just friends, there was always this tension between them. It was as if eventually dating had been inevitable. Lena was in love with her long before they ever made things official sophomore year.

She didn’t want to end whatever this was with Veronica, though. She didn’t want to stop things with her, because Veronica made perfect sense. She made much more sense than Kara. They held hands as they walked in side by side together. They kissed in the foyer without caring who saw. Lena had been longing to do with a girlfriend for so long only to find that it wasn’t as magical as she thought it’d be.

She just missed Kara. Not even their relationship - although she did miss that too - but Kara as a whole. They’d been best friends since they were kids. How could that suddenly be gone? She missed the way Kara knew her, the way she’d automatically know that Lena felt awkward next to Veronica. One look at her and Kara would know. Veronica had no idea.

But she kept telling herself that she just had to adjust. Of course things were different with Veronica – she was almost the complete opposite of Kara in every aspect. Lena had to give herself time to get used to that.

Being in a new relationship was like learning a new language. They didn’t know what each others’ body language meant, nor did they know each others’ past, but they’d learn it. Lena would eventually learn Veronica the way she knew Kara, and then things would feel right. As they learned each other, she'd fall in love. She wanted this relationship to work and she could tell Veronica wanted the same. She wasn't about to let feelings for a girl who couldn't date her get in the way of that.

She _would_ fall in love with Veronica. It would just take a little more time.

 

xx

 

“How was your date?” Jack sang teasingly at lunch on Monday.

Lena forced a smile. “It was alright. There’s potential.”

“Is there a second date?”

She looked down, nodding her head. “We’re going out Friday.”

“Thank god,” he let out a sigh of relief. “Give this a shot, Lena. She’s one of the good ones. I can tell.”

She moved the food in the Tupperware around with a fork, wishing she had the same faith. “I hope so.”

 

xx

 

“You look beautiful,” Veronica murmured breathlessly when she picked Lena up for their date. “Being with you like this is one of my wildest dreams coming true.”

Lena didn’t have to fake the flattery that came with the compliment. “Thank you.”

“Ready to go?”

Lena grabbed her spring coat off the couch, actually looking forward to their dinner for the first time. That was a really sweet thing to say. Veronica clearly really liked her, and she spoke of Lena as if she were a queen. She never let Lena forget how lucky she felt to be doing all this. Veronica might not be Kara, but she did make her feel special and give her butterflies when she said things like that.

She could fall in love with that eventually. She was sure of it.

 

xx

 

Three weeks later, Lena was convinced that she could love Veronica the way she loved Kara. Veronica was smart, and pretty, and gentle, and warm, and funny, and so good for her. The way she said nice things with such sincerity put Lena on cloud nine – especially since Veronica didn’t give anyone else the time of day. She rarely showed her emotions to others, nor did she give compliments easily. It was an honor that she let Lena see the side of her she hid from everyone else.

Plus, she was out. They could hold hands in public and kiss in the hallways. They didn’t have to be a secret. She introduced Veronica to Jack and she sat with them at lunch. There wasn’t any hiding or sneaking around, and that felt so nice. It felt incredible, actually. At first it seemed like no big deal to not have this major secret, but the more time that passed, the more she realized how nice it was. To be unapologetically herself was liberating.

That’s why she said yes when Veronica asked her to be her girlfriend.

 

xx

 

“I'm not one to celebrate monthiversaries, but I got you something for our two-month,” Veronica grinned as they sat in the bedroom Lena had once called a sanctuary. Some days it still felt wrong bringing Veronica into it.

Lena took the package, opening it to reveal a bracelet. She instantly wore a huge smile. “It's beautiful.”

“So are you,” Veronica pushed a strand of hair away from her face. “I love you.”

Lena was pretty sure she loved her too. Maybe not as passionately as she once loved Kara, but the way that a simplified love should feel like. So, she said it back.

“I love you too.”

 

xx

 

“You and Veronica are getting serious,” Jack noted. “It's nice seeing you happy.”

Lena just smiled and nodded. She remembered happier days, but she wasn't heartbroken anymore. Most days she was content with how things were.

So, she nodded along. “It's nice to be happy, too.”

 

xx

 

At one point, Lena saw Kara at the grocery store.

They met eyes, then they both walked the other way without so much as a wave.

Things really had changed.

 

xx

 

Even four months later, Veronica was head over heels for her. Lena was happy to make someone happy, but she wondered if she'd ever stop feeling like Veronica loved her more. She wished she could reciprocate the way Veronica fearlessly loved her, but Kara ruined that. She couldn't jump into the deep end, because loving could hurt. It took too long to heal from getting her heart broken to let it happen again.

 

xx

 

On her birthday, she didn't get the text she was hoping for.

She did get a card in the mail, though. Someone had clearly dropped it off considering it had no stamp or address, and Lena recognized the loopy handwriting at once.

She opened it to reveal a heartfelt poem, then a handwritten message.

_I still love you, but I’m happy for you and Veronica. She's perfect for you. Have the best birthday and the best year. I'll always be wanting the very best for you. I'm rooting you on from afar._

_Love,_

_Kara_

With a single, colored in heart.

Lena took the card and ran her fingers over the message before closing it. She pulled out the box from the back of her closet, opening it to reveal all the things that reminded her of Kara. It was the box with Kara's t-shirt, the strip of pictures from a photo booth, the various love notes and all the itty bitty tokens of their relationship.

She slipped the card on top. She wanted to take everything out, but those days were over, so she stared at the contents for a moment, then closed it back up. She missed her, but it was time to move on.

Kara was right, after all. Veronica was perfect for her.

 

xx

 

“You will never believe who came out over the weekend,” Jack announced as he set down his lunch tray.

Both Lena and Veronica looked up at him, but he was focused purely on Lena.

“Kara Danvers.”

She was suddenly coughing on her iced tea as Jack laughed and Veronica remained confused.

“That's the reaction I was expecting.” He turned to Veronica, explaining it to her as if it meant nothing anymore. “Lena used to have the _biggest_ crush on her.”

It didn't feel right talking to Veronica about it, but she shrugged it off like if it wasn't a big deal. “Remember before we started dating? The straight girl was her.”

“Oh,” Veronica didn't seem intimidated in the least. “Well, more power to her.”

Lena didn't miss the part where Kara came out over her birthday weekend. She wondered if there was any significance to that. She wondered a lot of things, actually. 

 

xx

 

That night she sat in her room, typing up potential texts to Kara, then deleting them. Finally, she came up with a message that was adequate enough to send.

_Jack told me you came out. Are you okay?_

It took mere minutes for a reply.

_I'm okay. Living with Alex now._

Lena wished there wasn't the wall between them. They were both guarded. Gone was the transparency they once shared.

_Good. Congrats. I'm really happy for you._

Lena wanted to know so many things. What made her do this? How did it go? How were her parents taking it? How did her living situation with Alex come about? Are things over with Mike?

But that was the end of their contact.

 

xx

 

Veronica was over a week later and all Lena could think about was how things suddenly felt wrong. For a minute, her relationship with Veronica felt like it could be something special, but suddenly things were different. It was like Kara coming out reminded her of what she'd been missing. And she forced the realization that Kara coming out meant they could be together in public deep, deep down.

“Do you want to go to the lake this weekend?” Veronica asked. “Jack invited us. I think some of his friends are going too.”

Lena wanted to love Veronica. And she did! She loved her – she _really_ loved her. She had decided that long before Kara came out, so why should things be different now?

She looked up from her computer, smiling at the idea. “I'd love that.”

“I bet you do seeing as it involves bikinis.”

“Well, yes. But it also means more time with you.”

Veronica rolled her eyes, shaking her head with mock scorn. “Cheesy compliments don't look good on you, Lena Luthor.”

“I give them all the time.”

Veronica laughed at what wasn’t meant as a joke. “Maybe to your other girlfriend. You never do to me.”

That struck Lena as odd. She swore she did.

She glanced at the only picture of Kara she had left in her room. Thinking back, maybe those had always been reserved for her.

 

xx

 

“Did you decide which prestigious school you're going to yet?” Veronica asked as graduation neared closer. “Harvard? Yale? MIT?”

Lena shook her head. It was weird feeling like nothing was tying her down to National City. Her junior year she swore she'd go to a local school. Things really did change when Kara Danvers left her life.

“I'm leaning towards MIT,” she found herself saying. “You?”

“Probably Yale.”

Lena nodded. “That's a good choice.”

Veronica was quiet, then her voice came out oddly unsure and timid. “What's gonna happen with us if we go to different schools?”

Lena thought it over, but she didn’t know. She didn't even know what she wanted. “I'm not sure. What do you want to happen?”

“I mean, I _want_ to stay together, but even though we wouldn't be that far, we wouldn't be as close as we are now either.”

For the first time, Lena couldn't deny that her love for Veronica might never measure up to what her love for Kara had been, because she loved her, but her heart wouldn't ache if they ended up splitting ways. It’d be unfortunate, but she wouldn’t fall apart over it. Not the way she did with Kara.

“We’ll figure it out,” Lena forced a smile. “There's another five months before August.”

 

xx

 

For the first time in over a year, Kara smiled at her as they crossed paths in the hall. Lena wasn't sure what it meant, but she knew she liked it.

She suddenly felt on top of the world.

 

xx

 

It was the night before Easter when Kara reached out again.

_Are you alone again for the holiday?_

Lena stared at it longer than she had ever stared at a text. It had been over a year since they'd spoken – roughly fifteen months to be exact. This was so out of the blue.

Finally, she pulled herself together. _Yeah._

She stared at the phone until it lit up again.

_Will you come spend it with me and Alex then?_

Her heart nearly beat right out of her chest at the idea. She wanted to instantaneously agree, but she proceeded with caution. Kara brought butterflies and heartbreak, all at the same damn time. That was dangerous.

_Why?_

Her reply came immediately. _You shouldn't have to spend it alone._ There was a ten second break, then another message came through. _And I miss you._

Lena took a long while to think it over, trying to let the rational part of her brain that was shouting ‘ _BAD IDEA’_ convince her to politely decline the offer, but in the end her heart won. It was Kara. She'd never say no to Kara.

_Are you sure?_

_Of course I'm sure, Lena._

She could hear Kara's voice as she sent it and the sound of her name gave her chills.

 _’Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.’_ It was all that was running through her mind. Because she knew it was. She was finally somewhat, almost over Kara, and she knew this would put her right back at square one. And she had a girlfriend – a girlfriend who loved her.

Yet, there she was, typing, _Give me a time and place. I'll be there._

 

xx

 

It's not like she had never met Alex before. Lena used to be the third Danvers sister before she was deemed immoral by their parents, but she hadn't seen her in three years. That was anxiety provoking in itself. She didn't even know if Alex liked her anymore. She tried to convince herself that she must if Kara invited her, but a small piece of her wondered how much Kara had to push to make that happen.

However, more anxiety provoking was the thought of seeing Kara again. And not only seeing her, but talking to her and hearing her laugh again – she hoped she'd hear her laugh again.

When the door opened it was a woman she hadn't met before. “You must be Lena!”

She gave a polite smile and a small nod.

“I'm Maggie,” she explained. “Alex's girlfriend.”

She could've dropped dead right there, and she was positive she didn't succeed in hiding her surprise. “Nice to meet you!”

“Kara will be so glad you actually came.”

Lena furrowed her eyebrows. “I told her I would.”

“Yeah, but she thought you'd back out,” Maggie whispered. “Alex and I had faith, though.”

Lena forced a smile. There was so much to say that she didn't know where to start. Alex was gay? Kara talked about her with Alex and Maggie? Did that mean she told them everything? She couldn't have told them everything. The Kara she knew would be too terrified to share their relationship with anyone, never mind the people she cared the most for.

“Lena!” Alex gave her the same warm, excited greeting. She came over, giving her an overwhelmingly large hug, as if she was making up for lost time. “Oh, I missed you.”

Despite her nervousness, Lena gave a genuine smile. “I missed you too.”

When she pulled away and ran out of time to stall, she met eyes with Kara. Neither of them spoke, nor did they move, until Kara nearly lunged at her. In the blink of an eye they went from strangers across a room to Kara clinging to her for dear life. Her arms wrapped around her neck, holding her as tight as possible as they swayed back and forth. Kara's forehead was pressed against the crevice of her neck, and when she spoke Lena could feel the hot air of her breath.

“ _God_ , have I missed you,” she murmured so quietly that Lena was positive Alex couldn't hear despite standing five feet away. “Oh my god, did I miss you.”

Lena felt the wide grin on her face. She felt the way her arms wrapped themselves around Kara's body. She felt the way she missed feeling the past fifteen months. “I missed you too.”

Kara pulled away, looking at Lena with regret. “I'm sorry for cutting you off.”

She gave her a small smile, because, “I think the cutting off was mutual.”

Kara took a step back, putting space between them that Lena wasn't so sure she wanted. “I'm really glad you came.”

All the anxiety that was bubbling inside her thirty seconds ago had completely disintegrated. She could be honest in saying, “I am too.”

And she didn't want to get her hopes up, but maybe this was the rekindling she'd been hoping for.

 

xx

 

The four of them were talking in the living room, all of them sharing the things the others had missed. Maggie was good, Lena decided. And Alex seemed happy.

Above all, for the first time in a long time, Lena felt safe in the place Kara called home. It was so different from her parents’ house. She saw that this was the loving family Kara had always wanted to have, and Lena hoped that one day she would be accepted as part of it.

 

xx

 

After dinner, Maggie excused herself and Alex, which left her and Kara alone for the first time. For a moment they simply averted their gazes and sat in silence. Kara found her courage first.

“Wanna take a walk?”

Lena managed to make eye contact as she gave another small smile. “I’d like that.”

When they were outside, Kara wasted no time in ending their bout of small talk. “I didn't invite you here because I want to get back together.”

A selfish part of Lena's heart fell. She had Veronica, yet she found herself wishing Kara would want her again. She would never cheat on her girlfriend, but she wanted to hear that Kara still longed for her – that she didn't go a day without thinking of her. She wanted to hear her say _I love you._ Getting to hear those words from Kara's lips would sound better than listening to a playlist of all her favorite songs on repeat.

“I miss you.” Kara's voice came out smaller than it was before, but it didn't make any proclamations of love. “I miss you a lot, and Alex convinced me I should do something about it.” When Lena didn't speak, she began to ramble. “Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it's stupid of me to even think we could be friends again. But… you can't imagine how much I’ve missed you, Lena.”

Oh, but she could. She didn't even know it was possible to miss someone so much until Kara was no longer there.

They still weren't making eye contact. Both of them were still focused on the sidewalk before them, yet it felt so intimate. Lena had forgotten the sensation that came with being so vulnerable. She felt like she was bearing her soul, but it was okay, because she was bearing it to Kara.

No matter how much time passed, she'd always trust Kara enough to peel off the mask of hidden emotions. She wasn't afraid to show Kara all of her parts, because Kara had proved she knew how to deal with them. She had seen Lena at her best and her worst. She'd held her while she cried and celebrated her greatest successes. Kara got to see the pieces of her she tried so hard to hide from the world. No one knew her the way Kara did. And if she was honest with herself, it was very possible no one ever would. Kara might always be the sole person to know Lena Luthor in her entirety. There was just something about her.

“I missed you just as much,” Lena finally replied. “I can guarantee it.”

Kara was silent. Lena chanced a glance to look at her only to see her biting her lip.

“What's on your mind?”

She watched as Kara started wringing out her hands – another nervous quirk that Lena had missed. “Do you think we could ever be friends again? The way we were before things got so complicated?”

There was more space between them than there used to be, but that didn't ruin Lena's confidence. “I think we’re the type of people who will always be friends. You can always fall back on me, no matter how much time passes. If you need me – or even just want me – I promise I'll be there.”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kara look up at her. She thought she was going to grab her hand or hug her or do something that Lena was secretly waiting for her to do, but instead she simply reciprocated what had been said.

“I promise the same. Even if you have no one else, you’ll always have me.”

Veronica flashed through her mind. She knew she was treading in deep waters, because if this conversation continued, the wanting to hold Kara in her arms again would become a need.

“We should probably head back,” she croaked.

“Oh.” Kara's voice held such a mass amount of disappointment that Lena almost took the suggestion back. “Yeah. Right. We probably should.”

 

xx

 

When Lena was leaving Alex's, Kara walked her to the door to shyly ask the ultimate question. “Am I allowed to text you after this?”

Lena found herself nodding, feeling the warmth overwhelm her. “Any time. Day or night.”

“Let me know you got home safe?”

“Of course. See you soon?” Her heart felt like it could explode with happiness.

Kara repeated it back, sounding definitive which only made Lena happier. “See you soon.”

 

xx

 

“How was your dinner with Kara?”

For the first time, Veronica sounded jealous and slightly threatened. Lena supposed she couldn't blame her – she wouldn't be so fond of Veronica spending Easter with her ex either – but in Lena's defense, she didn't see Veronica inviting her over.

Instead of telling her how she finally felt whole again, she sounded indifferent and told a small white lie. “It was alright. I would've rathered it be you.”

Veronica gave a wry laugh, but it sounded less bitter. “I would've rathered that too.”

 

xx

 

Jack glanced across the cafeteria and became visibly displeased. “She's staring at you.”

“Who?”

Both Lena and Veronica turned around only to see Kara look away.

“I guess roles have changed,” he mused.

“We’re just friends,” Lena repeated, both to them and herself. “She knows I'm with you now, Ron.”

She felt her girlfriend shift in her seat, unusually quiet. Lena turned to look at her, then repeated herself.

“I'm in love with you. Kara and I are friends, but you're who I want to be with.”

Veronica was the safer choice. More than that, Veronica wouldn't break her heart. At least, not the same way Kara had. She didn't want to open herself up to that kind of pain a second time. The first time killed her enough.

 

xx

 

_You free after school Friday?_

Lena looked down at her phone, grinning like crazy at the text. They had been texting nonstop like nothing had changed, but she hadn't spent time with Kara in person since they were at Alex’s two weeks ago. She almost couldn't contain her excitement.

_For you? Always._

 

xx

 

“I'm hanging out with Kara on Friday,” Lena found herself telling Veronica. There was no reason to, but she'd feel guilty if she didn't.

“Oh.” Her girlfriend seemed unhappy, but didn't discourage it. “I hope you have fun. FaceTime me later?”

“Of course.” Lena leaned in, giving her a small kiss. “It's you I’m in love with, babe.”

 

xx

 

She met Kara at their usual pizza place in the outskirts of town at five. She was pretty sure they both knew they could've gone somewhere more local, but going to their usual place felt right. It made it seem real that they had ended their period of life spent without each other.

Halfway into their dinner was when Lena finally grew the guts to discuss the topic that had been on her mind for weeks.

“So, you came out.”

Kara grabbed another slice of pizza and nodded like it was no big deal. “I did.”

“Did you know Alex was gay beforehand?”

She shook her head. “I didn't, actually. I gave her a heads up I was coming out and asked if it'd be okay for me to stay at her apartment if it all went wrong. I didn't know why she seemed so excited about me probably getting kicked out until I was living there and met Maggie.”

Lena didn't want to bring it up, but she also wanted to know. “Did your parents react as badly as you thought they would?”

“Probably worse,” Kara grimaced, staring at the pizza and picking off the excess cheese. “They basically told me I was a disappointment of a daughter, then told me I couldn't live under their roof unless I changed my mind. I had already packed my bags, so I left right then and there. They haven't reached out since.”

Lena's heart fell for her. No matter how simple Kara made it sound, she knew it must've killed her.

“I'm really sorry.”

“It's not your fault,” she shrugged.

Lena knew that, but she was sad for her nonetheless. And a little angry too. “How'd everyone else take it?”

“My friends are fine with it, but things are different,” Kara sighed, seemingly more disappointed about that than her parents. “I thought they'd be the ones to support it – and they do, I guess. But things aren't the same. Mike is overcompensating how okay it is, Lucy gets weird whenever I talk about girls and James is James. He acts like it's okay, but makes comments that say it's not. Winn is the only one who's still normal.”

She wished there was something better to say than, “That's shitty.”

Kara nodded in agreement. “It is. Lunch went from one of my favorite periods to my least favorite. It's just awkward.”

“You can always sit with us. Veronica and Jack wouldn't mind.”

Kara looked at her with amused doubt. “Jack hates me and we both know it.”

“He doesn't _hate_ you. He just didn't approve of what he thought was a major crush on you,” Lena explained it away. “I think he's over it now that I'm dating Veronica.”

Lena swore a flash of hurt crossed Kara's face at the name.

“You don't have to. I just thought I'd offer.”

“Thank you,” she received one of Kara's genuine smiles.

It turned into a comfortable silence again, but Lena had one more question repeatedly racing through her mind. “You came out on my birthday.”

“Oh,” Kara stumbled at the fact. “Yeah, I did.”

“Was there a reason for that or was it just a coincidence?”

“No, there was a reason…” she trailed off, fiddling with her hands. “The whole week leading up to it I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I planned to get you for your birthday. And I missed having you around so much that I literally couldn't take it. My mom kept asking what was wrong and my dad was constantly trying to cheer me up, which only made things worse, so that Wednesday I decided it was time. I'd spent too long hurting in silence. I wanted to talk about my feelings for girls – for you – openly. Or, I wanted to at least have the choice to,” she explained. “I was tired of hiding. I lost the best thing I had going for me from being too terrified to come out. I don't want that to happen again.”

Lena’s heart might have broken again from hearing something so candid. “It was really brave of you to do that despite knowing your parents.”

“It’s time to be who I am,” Kara shrugged. “Parents or not.”

“I'm really proud of you,” Lena told her. “You've grown a lot over the past year.”

For the first time since they reunited, Kara didn't bother to hide her hurting. “It's been a hard one.”

“You could've called,” Lena murmured. “I would've answered.”

“That's why it was hard,” Kara gave a sad smile. “I was so in love with you. And I knew you were with me. Calling only would've made it worse for both of us.”

She wanted to fight the claim, but it was true. She honestly didn't even have a comment for it.

Because Veronica was good for her, and she didn't want to jeopardize that by reminiscing over an old flame. Veronica was so good for her that it blew Lena’s mind. She was the one Lena wanted. And she finally did want her, too. She _finally_ managed to crave only Veronica, to be in love with Veronica – not Kara. She did – she honestly did. But now, suddenly, the craving for Veronica was questionable.

Maybe it was always supposed to have been Kara. But Lena was dismissing that thought as quickly as it came. Kara broke her heart. She tore it to shreds, actually. And while Lena understood the reasoning and selflessness it took for her to do so, while she understood that Kara broke her own heart too, she wasn’t ready to go through it again.

She eventually settled to just admit, “I guess you're right.”

“I am glad you found Veronica,” Kara actually sounded sincere. “You guys balance each other out well. And you can tell she's over the moon about you. You deserve that sort of adoration.”

For a split second, she wished that adoration came from Kara. Then, she shoved the thought down with all the others and pretended it didn't exist.

She decided maybe this topic was too much for them to address given the circumstances, so she started a new one. “Anyway, what are your plans for college?”

 

xx

 

“How was dinner with Kara?” Veronica asked over FaceTime.

“It was fine. We mainly just caught up for lost time,” Lena shrugged it off as she fought to hide the smile Kara’s name brought. “She said her friends aren’t reacting well to coming out, so I said she could sit with us at lunch if she wants. Is that okay? I know I probably should’ve asked you and Jack first, but it just kinda slipped out.”

“Of course,” Veronica seemed genuinely accepting of their friendship for the first time. “It’s never fun feeling out of place for being who you are.”

“Exactly,” Lena smiled at how understanding she was about it. “I just felt bad.”

“I would’ve too,” her girlfriend nodded. She pursed her lips, then looked at her phone again. “Do you think it’s possible to go back to being best friends? After everything that happened between you two?”

Veronica had no idea what _everything_ entailed, and while Lena wanted to tell her, she also wanted to keep those memories to herself – at least for a little while longer.

“I think we’re well on our way,” she kept her answer concise. “You know those friends you can go months without talking to, but when you get together again everything is just like it used to be? That’s me and Kara. Most of the time it’s like no time’s passed.”

Veronica wore a rueful smile and tried to play it off as a joke, but Lena knew there was a hint of seriousness behind, “Well, if you get your crush on the not-so-straight girl again, just let me know.”

“It’s not like that, Ron.” She hoped she was being honest. “I’m in love with you. You must know that by now.”

“I do,” she nodded. “Kara just makes me nervous. That’s all.”

“You have no reason to be nervous,” she told her. “Kara and I are just friends. I swear on it.”

“I know. But you guys were friends since you were kids. And even Jack said your crush on her lasted forever.” Lena could’ve killed him on the spot. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Lena made yet another promise. “I'd never break up with you. You’re perfect. You don’t think so, but you are.”

She watched Veronica look down. It was one of those rare moments where Lena swore she saw a blush. “I love you, Lena.”

“I love you too,” she mimicked. “Trust me. You have nothing to worry about.”

 

xx

 

Kara sat with her friends on Monday, but on Tuesday, much to Lena’s shock, she came to their table.

“Is your offer to sit here still valid?”

Jack seemed surprised, Veronica shuffled in her seat, and Lena just ignored them and looked up with a smile.

“Yeah. Of course.”

Jack scooted over to sit in front of Veronica, leaving Kara to sit in the spot across from Lena.

“You know Kara,” Lena felt obligated to formally introduce her to Veronica.

“Welcome to the table,” her girlfriend smiled. Still, there seemed to be less understanding than there was on the phone Friday night. Suddenly she seemed guarded.

“It’s been a while,” Jack commented, sounding more than a smidge bitter and protective.

Lena wanted to tell him to stop, but Kara was answering before she could say anything. “I know. Sorry about that.”

He nodded, turning back to his food. It probably didn’t help that Lena still hadn't told him how close her and Kara once were. As far as he and Veronica were concerned, Kara was just the straight girl she had a crush on, and when Lena confessed her feelings she left. Which, Lena would admit, probably did strike Jack the wrong way.

After that no one seemed to know what to say. And it wasn’t the comforting type of silence she often shared in her moments alone with Kara. It just felt awkward.

“So, congrats on coming out,” Veronica finally broke it. “Sorry about your friends.”

“It’s fine,” Kara waved it away, seeming completely unbothered despite looking upset over it four days ago. “I’m just glad you guys are here.”

She wasn’t looking at _you guys_ , though. The only person she chanced a glance to was Lena. She was glad Kara was there too.

 

xx

 

As much as Lena feared Kara joining them for lunch would make things messy, it shockingly didn't. Veronica seemed to like her, and once Veronica did, Jack seemed to come around too. Lena didn’t blame him. It was impossible to stay mad at Kara. Lena would know.

 

xx

 

Three weeks later, the school year was almost over.

“You’ll never understand how much I appreciate you guys having my back the last few weeks,” Kara was telling them. “You made this all feel normal.”

“It was our pleasure,” Veronica was polite as ever.

Lena just grinned. “That’s what friends are for.”

Kara caught her eye with a wide grin. “It’s nice being able to say that again.”

Lena broke their eye contact and reached down to hold Veronica’s hand. She wasn’t sure why she felt the need to – the comment was harmless – but Veronica seemed to relax at the touch too.

When the bell rang, her girlfriend just smiled. “Have a good summer, Kara. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” Kara seemed sincere. “You have a good summer too, Jack.”

Jack smiled at her, and Lena could tell all was forgiven. “You too. Congrats on redeeming yourself. I kind of hated you.”

Lena rolled her eyes at the honesty, but Kara just laughed. “I kind of noticed.”

“Hm,” he shrugged. “Luckily that’s in the past, then.”

Veronica and Jack moved away, leaving Kara and Lena to walk to her locker together.

“We’re still gonna hang out over break, right?” Kara asked i surely. “This isn’t goodbye for us?”

Lena laughed at the idea, fondly shaking her head. “I think one goodbye was traumatizing enough. I don’t want a second one.”

She watched Kara smile at the answer. “I’ll see you soon then?”

“I’ll text you later tonight,” Lena promised. “Don’t be a stranger.”

Kara took another second before nodding and turning to leave. “I couldn’t if I tried.”

 

xx

 

The two of them were sitting in Lena's room when Veronica spontaneously asked the question Lena didn't want to answer. “What’s the real story behind you and Kara?”

“Huh?” Lena frowned and did what she did best. She stalled. “What are you talking about?”

“I don't know. You guys just…” Veronica thought over her words, then spoke carefully, as if she shouldn't even be asking. “I guess it just seems like there’s more to the story than being ex best friends. It doesn’t seem like she’d ever leave you for having a crush on her. If anything, from the outside looking in, it seems like she’d embrace it. She smiles when she sees you and looks away whenever we hold hands or kiss or when you wrap your arm around me. She seems into you.”

Lena’s mind was racing, half because Kara seemed into her, and half because she was trying to figure out if it was time to be honest or if she should keep up her lie.

“What’s the whole story?”

She knew that if she wanted her relationship with Veronica to last she’d have to be honest, but she was terrified that talking about Kara would reveal how much she still cared for her. She didn't want Kara – or a part of her did, she supposed, but she also knew Kara was the riskier choice.

“We really were best friends,” Lena opted for honesty. “Since third grade we were. Then, my sophomore year, I came out. Her parents found out and flipped. They adored our friendship before that – I was like their third daughter – but as soon as I was out they forbade me from seeing her. Suddenly I was a bad influence. So, for a few weeks we didn’t even talk. I thought it was the end of us. Then, eventually she came to my house and apologized for everything. She said we could be friends, her parents just couldn’t know. So, we snuck around a lot, and shortly after was when I _actually_ told her I had feelings for her. She didn’t really say anything other than _thank you_ , but after that she’d say things that made it seem like she liked me back. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but she'd just make comments and there was a tension that just kept growing and growing. So, the first day of summer between our sophomore and junior year she kissed me. She told me she couldn’t come out, but she’d had feelings for me for a while too.”

Veronica’s jaw clenched at the story, but she nodded. “And after that?”

“We were dating in secret for nine months, even though she couldn't even show we were friends. Even in school it wasn’t safe, because her dad’s always there. Me and you met near the end of our relationship.”

Veronica took a moment to put the timeline together, then gave a deep sigh. “So, when I first hit on you… you were with her? That’s why you were weird about it?”

Lena looked down, feeling oddly ashamed. “Yeah.”

“Okay. So, why did your… _relationship_ end?”

“I told her about you,” Lena slanted the situation to try and make Veronica feel better. Her words were coming out harsh and all Lena wanted to do was keep the harmony they had. “When I talked about you, she could tell I wanted a public relationship, and she could tell all the lies were weighing me down. She was just… Kara. She wanted me to be able to live freely, even if it meant not being together. She broke up with me about a month after we met. That’s why I was sullen last spring. She _did_ break my heart, but it wasn’t because she ditched me for having a crush.”

“And that's why you told me to wait a month? So you could get over her?”

Lena took a deep breath, then nodded. Sure. That sounded like a good reason. “I didn’t want to be unfair to you.”

“That’s… appreciated,” Veronica mustered up. “Did you love her?”

She wanted to lie, but she couldn’t. Not about that. “At the time, I loved her more than anything.”

“Do you love her now?”

Lena thought it over. Her instincts told her _yes_ , but her brain still denied it. “Not like that. I’m in love with you, Ron. I love you in such a big way.”

Veronica seemed to mull over that for a moment, then she accepted the answer. “You’ll tell me if you catch feelings for her?”

She felt like a horrible person, but she nodded anyway. “You have my word.”

 

xx

 

It had only been a week since she’d seen Kara, but it felt like so much longer. She almost sent a text, but she didn’t feel like waiting for a reply, so for the first time since reuniting, she called her.

To her surprise, Kara actually picked up. “Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me,” Lena grinned. “Do you wanna go out somewhere?”

Without missing a beat, Kara gave the answer she so desperately wanted. “With you? Of course. I’m kind of hungry.”

“ _You_? Hungry?” Lena feigned disbelief. “Wow. I’m shocked. Truly.”

“You’re hilarious,” Kara’s voice was flat, but Lena knew she found it funny. “Are you in the mood for Chinese or ice cream?”

“How about Chinese _and_ ice cream?”

“You’re speaking to my soul, Lena,” Kara gushed. Her audible smile was contagious. “Do you want to go out or eat in?”

“Will Alex mind if we eat in?”

“No. I think she’s out tonight anyway. Besides, she’s glad we’re friends. She wouldn’t bother us.”

The idea of Kara living somewhere that she was free to be herself left Lena filled with the utmost amount of joy.

“I’ll pick up the Chinese and some ice cream and be there at seven?” she offered.

Kara's voice sounded so pleased. “Sounds perfect to me.”

 

xx

 

Lena got there at promptly seven, not wanting to waste a minute that could be spent with Kara.

When they were all set up, Kara beamed as she opened the white carry out boxes. “You remembered my favorites.”

“We were best friends for nine years. Of course I did.”

Kara looked at her with an emotion Lena couldn’t quite place. Her voice came out just as emotional. “I really did miss you, Lena. I’m so glad we’re back to this.”

Lena had to look away and remind herself how _just friends_ they were. “Trust me, so am I.”

“Should we put a movie on in the background or listen to music?”

“You have terrible taste in music,” Lena proclaimed. Then, her voice turned gentle. “Yet somehow I missed it. Go get your speaker.”

 

xx

 

When Alex came home, Kara was asleep in the living room and Lena was playing on her phone. She paused at the sight of Lena and tilted her head.

“Are you sleeping over?”

“No, I’m going soon. I’m just letting her sleep a little longer.”

Alex stared at them, focusing on they way Kara’s head somehow landed on Lena's lap, then tore her eyes away to meet Lena's eye again. “Should I ask how she got in that position?”

Lena smiled, looking down at the strewn out hair across her thighs and playing with the ends of it. “I honestly have no idea.”

“Right,” Alex nodded, moving to go to her room. “Well, I'm glad you’re here.”

Lena was still looking at Kara and her smile only grew. “Me too.”

Before she shut the door, Alex turned back. “You’re good for her. You really are. I'm glad you're back.”

Lena stopped smiling and became outright giddy at the comment. It meant the world coming from Alex.

“She’s pretty good for me too.”

 

xx

 

_Can I come over?_

Lena didn’t even have to think about it. Once again, it was Kara.

_The front door’s unlocked. I’m in my room._

 

xx

 

Lena had seen Kara three times before she saw Veronica again. She supposed that should’ve been a sign. It wasn’t.

 

xx

 

_I don’t need anything, but thanks for being my best friend._

Lena didn’t realize how much she missed waking up to messages from Kara. She knew she missed them to an extent, but the way her heart smiled at the message told her she missed them more than she even knew.

She was so, so, so, _so_ glad to have her back. She was _Kara_. No one could replace her, even as just a friend.

 

xx

 

When she was with Jack two days later, Lena told him everything. She told him the entire story of Kara from start to finish, not bothering to sugarcoat the parts she did for Veronica. She went on and on, telling him all the little details, all the ways Kara made her feel, all the ways she worried she’d never feel for Veronica.

Jack’s expression was shell-shocked, as he stared with his jaw ajar. “Wow. That's… something,” he stumbled. “That's definitely something.”

“I know,” Lena sighed. “It's just hard, because my love for Veronica feels so different than my love for Kara, and I don't know why that is.”

Jack was clearly still processing it all. He slowly shook his head. “I had no idea all of that was going on.”

“Yeah,” Lena was breathless. “But, now I’ve moved on. I love Veronica – and I do! I love her so much.”

Jack grimace like he didn’t want to know. “ _But_?”

“I don’t know,” Lena didn’t want to say it out loud. She didn’t want to voiceher feelings for Kara more in depth than she already had, because it’d only make them real. She didn’t want them to be real. “I guess, Veronica makes me feel safe. And I’ve always wanted that safety.”

“And Kara?”

“She makes me feel… I’m not sure. It’s jumbled. The best word I have is alive.”

Jack took a deep breath and broke eye contact to tell her what she didn’t want to hear. “Alive is a much better descriptor than safe.”

“I know,” Lena sighed with disappointment. “But I think I’d rather feel safe. I mean, she broke my heart, Jack.”

He looked at her with sadness. “I didn’t know that at the time, but I do remember it. You were devastated.”

“I was,” she fed off the word. “I thought I’d never put myself back together.”

“And Veronica _is_ good for you. I’ll say that ‘til I die,” he proclaimed. “But, as you’ve said a trillion times… it’s Kara. And knowing what I know now, there might always be feelings there.”

Lena wished she could deny such a claim. “I know.”

“Are you able to be just friends despite them?”

“Of course,” Lena pushed aside the idea of ever leaving Kara’s side again. “I just hope they stop growing.”

“Veronica is safe. She’s good,” he recited. “Try to focus on that.”

“I know,” she nodded. “Don't let me do anything stupid. Okay?”

“Like break up with her?”

“That would be stupid,” Lena confirmed. “Keep me in line.”

Jack nodded, but his smile was pitiful. “I’ll try. But when it comes to Kara, you’ve never listened to me before, and I highly doubt you will now.”

Lena stayed silent, hoping he was wrong while knowing he probably wasn’t.

“There’s no interfering with your feelings for her, Lena. You’ve proved that time and time again,” he broadcasted the past. “You’re gonna need to decide if what you have with Veronica is worth ignoring them.”

“It is!” Lena was quick to exclaim. “I know she’s the right choice.”

Jack stared a moment longer, then turned his attention to setting up his Xbox. “As long as you’re sure.”

 

xx

 

She hung out with Kara again.

She swore she didn’t love her.

 

xx

 

She hung out with her again.

Maybe she loved her. But she could ignore it.

 

xx

 

They hung out again, and again, and then yet again.

She took it back. _This_ was what loving, and wanting, and craving felt like.

 

xx

 

It was the middle of July when she saw Veronica again. She had gone on a two week vacation with her parents, so it had been two weeks of exclusively Kara. She was ready for Veronica to remind her how in love she was.

“Hey, babe,” Lena immediately went in for a kiss. “How was the cruise?”

“Hot,” she smiled, then looked at her arms, holding them out for Lena to see. “I got a great tan, though.”

“You did,” she beamed along.

By the end of the night, Lena felt comfort. Maybe not the intense passion she had with Kara, but there was comfort nonetheless. That was all that mattered.

 

xx

 

“We’re going to college soon,” Veronica brought up in the beginning of August. “We still haven't discussed what that means for us.”

Lena turned to her, still unsure of what she wanted the outcome to be. She honestly just planned to go along with whatever Veronica wanted.

“What do you think should happen?”

“ _I’m_ willing to make it work,” she vowed. “Are you?”

“I’d like to try,” Lena smiled. “I love you lots. I don’t want to lose that.”

She didn’t know if she was happy or saddened by the outcome. Maybe a little bit of both.

 

xx

 

“You’re leaving for MIT in a couple weeks,” Kara noted.

She sounded so sad over it that Lena’s heart nearly shattered.

She looked at the girl sitting beside her and nodded. “I am.”

Kara took a deep breath, and for a moment Lena thought she was going to cry. When she looked up she had pulled herself together, but she still looked devastated. “I’m really gonna miss you.”

Was it too late to stay here? To not leave? To stay by Kara’s side forever?

Lena wished it wasn’t. “I’m going to miss you too. More than you know.”

 

xx

 

They were at a party for the end of the summer. Kara had been invited, and then extended an invite to Lena, Jack, and Veronica. For the first time, Kara didn’t ignore her at a big social event. She didn’t even bother to go by Lucy other than to say a quick _hello_. She stuck to the three of them like glue.

Or, she stuck to Lena like glue. When Lena went to get a drink, Kara went to get a drink. When Lena had to go to the bathroom, Kara had to go to the bathroom. When Lena got finger food, Kara got finger food. By the end of the night Lena was finding excuses to break apart from Jack and Veronica just for the few seconds of alone time they'd get. She wanted all the alone time she could get with her before she left, because out of everyone in National City, she’d be missing Kara the most.

Looking back, she probably should’ve paid more attention to Veronica. Maybe then she would’ve seen her hurting. Maybe then she would’ve seen what was coming.

 

xx

 

It was two days later and Lena was finishing up her packing. Her parents were actually coming back mid-day tomorrow to accompany her to MIT, which nearly made her insides burst. She finally made them proud.

When Kara heard she sounded even more thrilled over it than Lena was – and Lena was pretty damn thrilled. Veronica seemed to be glad too, as did Jack, but Kara was close to euphoric.

“Can I come say goodbye?” She asked excitedly. “I want to see them again. And you! I want to see you again too. But I haven't seen your parents in years.”

“They’d like that,” Lena smiled at her excitement. “So would I.”

 

xx

 

The doorbell rang at eight that night and Lena went downstairs. To this day, only Kara stopped by unannounced, so she had to stop her smile from falling when it was Veronica.

“Hey,” she tried not to sound confused. “Are you okay?”

“Can I come in for a minute?” Veronica asked, fumbling with her fingers. “I want to talk to you.”

“Of course. You’re always welcome.”

Veronica didn’t say anything, but took a step in. Lena moved to go to her room, but Veronica stopped her. “Can we just do this here?”

Lena was suddenly on full alert. That didn’t mean anything good. “Yeah. What’s–”

“I don’t want to stay together when we go to college,” she rushed out. “I can’t. I can’t stay with you when we split ways.”

Lena’s heart fell in her chest, but she was fairly certain it wasn’t breaking. That was probably Red Flag #5320 that she wasn’t as in love with Veronica as she was trying to be.

Lena couldn’t form a coherent sentence for a minute. “What changed?”

“You want the truth?”

She wasn’t sure if she did, but she nodded regardless. “Always.”

“Well,” Veronica's lips formed a thin line. “The way I saw you and Kara. Mostly you.”

Lena’s eyebrows furrowed. That wasn’t the answer she was expecting. _I can’t do long distance_ or _I want to be free to date who I want in college_ wouldn’t surprise her for a reason, but _the way I saw you and Kara_ certainly did.

“What?”

“I mean, I always knew she was in love with you. That much was obvious,” Veronica offered as if it were common knowledge. “But… you love her, Lena. And I know you know where I’m coming from when I say that, because you can’t _not_ know. Seeing you two at that party, side by side the whole time… We’ve never been like that.”

Lena's last hope of an argument was, “Kara and I are just friends.” And it sounded weak, even to her.

“The way you act when you're together says differently. I've never seen you laugh so much. I've never seen you look so happy. You’re a whole different person when you're with her,” Veronica tried to be gentle. “You two ending up together is inevitable. It’s only a matter of time. I don't stand a chance against her.”

“Ron–”

“It’s fine,” she said in a way that made it quite clear it wasn’t. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t acknowledge your feelings. And I don't have time to waste being with someone who'll always love someone else more.”

Lena hated this. Veronica's words slashed through her, but she was right. She hated that she wasted her time, and she especially _hated_ that she was still so in love with Kara.

“I love you, Ron. You know I do.”

“I know,” she agreed. “But not the way you should. Not the way you love her.”

And there was nothing to say. There was no sense in fighting it anymore.

“The only reason she let you go was because she couldn't date you publicly. She wanted to give you the freedom to be who you are,” she recited the reasoning. “She's out now. She'd be able to tell the world about you. You can have that freedom with her.”

Lena still looked towards the ground. She knew that very well. She thought of it daily.

“I’m gonna go,” Veronica said at the lack of responses. “And… I think this might be our permanent goodbye.”

Lena felt tears in her eyes at the words. She knew that this wasn’t like her and Kara. There wasn’t going to be a rekindling a year later. This was the end of the road for them. The end of their story.

And she didn’t blame her for such a permanent ending. “I understand.”

Veronica walked towards the door and glanced back behind her one last time. “I understand too. And I don’t regret you, Lena.”

“Same here,” she dabbed at her eyes. “I wish you nothing but the best.”

And then she was gone.

 

xx

 

The only person she felt like talking to after that was Kara.

_Veronica just broke up with me._

The response came at lightning speed.

_I’m coming over. Be there in ten._

 

xx

 

She was actually there in eight. Lena heard her let herself in, then footsteps coming upstairs. When she appeared in the doorway Lena's heart rose. Kara was the only person who might make her feel like less of a shitty person.

“Hi,” she gave a small wave.

Kara let out a deep breath and came to the bed to hold her – _really_ hold her. The way she used to. “I'm so sorry, Lena.”

“It's fine,” she waved it off.

Because it was. She realized she wasn't sad over it, she just felt guilty. Veronica didn't deserve to be led on. She didn't deserve to have her time wasted. She deserved someone who could love her the way she loved Kara.

And she _did_ love Kara. She accepted that now, she accepted that Veronica was spot on in what she said. What she had with Kara truly was only a matter of time on her end. She was just afraid of what that meant. Maybe Kara didn't love her back anymore. Or worse, maybe Kara would break her heart again.

Kara didn't budge as Lena rested her weight against her. Kara's arms remained wrapped tightly around her as her chin rested on Lena's shoulder.

”It's probably for the best,” Lena shrugged the break up off. “Distance wouldn't have worked anyway.”

“Wait, is _that_ why she broke up with you?” Kara gawked. “Lena, if you love someone, distance doesn't matter.”

Lena knew she might regret saying it, but she said it anyway. “Maybe for a love we had. With her it was different.”

Kara didn't say anything at first, then she buried her chin into Lena's shoulder. “I'm sorry.”

They were both quiet, letting the situation sink in.

Lena wondered if she should tell her the real reason they broke up. She didn't know if she wanted to open up the door to being hurt again. Better yet, she knew she wanted to, but she didn't know if she should, and telling Kara why they broke up not only opened the door, but practically invited her in.

Eventually, she took the leap. “She broke up with me because of you. Or, me and you, I guess.”

Kara pulled away, unraveling their bodies. “Me and you?”

Lena already regretted starting the conversation, because now came the awkward part. “She thinks our history might not be history.”

Kara wrinkled her nose. “I didn't even know she knew we had history.”

“I told her a few months ago.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.” There was a beat of silence. “She said you still have feelings for me.”

“I see,” Kara’s answer remained short.

“And she said I have feelings for you too.”

Kara took that in. Her voice was quiet – almost inaudible. “Well, do you?”

Lena laughed, but it was dry. “Who wouldn't have feelings for you, Kara?”

She saw the smile on her face as Kara pulled them back together. She let herself be held in the way she'd wanted to be held for so long. She let herself relax in Kara's arms. She let them be the them they used to be.

“I thought you guys would never break up.”

Lena truly did laugh at that, looking up at her with intrigue. “You were waiting?”

“Is that selfish of me?” Kara was genuinely concerned. “I mean, I wasn't _hoping_ it'd happen, I was just… hoping it'd happen.”

“It happened.”

She felt Kara's fingers sliding up and down her arm. She leaned into it. Yet another thing she'd missed. How long had she been trying not to think about how great Kara's hands against her skin felt?

“How do you feel about all this?” Kara murmured, her breath tickling Lena's ear.

Lena shook her head. It was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. “I feel like I should be sad, and heartbroken, and devastated. Or at least I should be crying over it. I’m pretty sure I should feel almost anything but relieved.”

Kara was painfully honest. “That's probably true.”

Lena pulled them apart, then moved so they were sitting across from each other, both of their legs criss-crossed in front of them. “So… you were hoping this would happen?”

Kara’s concern was replaced with a guilt of her own. “I'm sorry.”

She smiled at the bashful version of Kara, then proceeded to prod along further. “What happened to being selfless with me?”

“That was when I had you,” she scoffed. Her face turned serious after the humor wore off. “I didn't like seeing you with someone else. Even when you guys first got together, when we weren't even talking, it was so hard for me.”

It was Lena's turn to feel guilty. She knew she had nothing to be guilty for –she was allowed to move on – but she hated the idea of Kara hurting.

“It's okay. I wanted you to be happy,” Kara promised at her silence. “The only thing worse than watching you with someone else was watching you mope alone.”

Lena glanced at Kara's hands, then her own. Finally, she reached out to pull them together. “You should've never ended things.”

Kara's eyes were filled with hurt, yet she wore a smile. “We both know that was for the best.”

“Yeah, well, it sucked,” Lena huffed. “And what good did it do? Look where we are now.”

“Just because my love for you never went away doesn't mean it was a mistake to end things,” Kara moved forward to run a hand through Lena's hair. “You had to figure out who you were without me holding you back. You can't say you didn't love getting to be fully out, without all the lies.”

Lena pursed her lips. “I suppose that's true. But you never held me back.”

“I was. By not being honest, I was,” she clarified. “That was my mistake.”

“But here we are,” Lena murmured. “Back in our sanctuary.”

“Yeah,” Kara looked around, taking it all in. A wide smile came to her face. “Here we are.”

 

xx

 

As much as Lena wanted to, they didn't get back together that night. They decided it was too soon considering the fresh break up, plus Lena was off to MIT and Kara was staying in National City. They had to make sure it was what they wanted versus heightened emotions.

In the morning, she woke up next to Kara. She took her in while she got the chance, just staring, smiling, restraining herself from reaching out stroking her cheek. She wanted her. This wasn't heightened emotions.

But they agreed on having time.

So she'd wait.

 

xx

 

“Lena!” Her mom smiled when she came downstairs. “Today's the day! We are _so_ proud of you, honey.” Kara was a step behind her, and when her mom actually looked at who it was her face lit up. “Kara! Wow, c’mere!”

Lena wondered if her or Kara's grin was bigger at her mom’s excitement and the tight hug it produced. Lillian may not be around much, nor may she be parent of the year, but she cared. Lena would give her that.

“We've missed seeing you around here,” her dad moved in for a hug as well. “Did you want to come with to drop Lena off?”

 

xx

 

And that's how when Lena first got to MIT, Kara was right there beside her. They walked to her dorm together and Kara took in the campus, pointing out everything from big lecture halls to spots with nice landscaping while Lena's parents trailed behind them.

When it was finally time to go, Kara stayed a moment after her mom and dad headed back to the car.

“They're gonna torture you with _horrible_ music on the way back,” Lena warned, trying to smile, trying not to think of how much she would miss her. “It's worse than yours, and that's saying a lot.”

Kara forced a smile too. “Oh, I know. I went with on your family road trips as a kid. Remember?”

“So, you knew to bring headphones?”

“Way ahead of you,” she gestured to her backpack. When there was nothing else, Kara's smile became mixed with pain. “I'm gonna miss you so much.”

“This changes nothing,” Lena promised. “We’re still best friends. Nothing can change that.”

It didn't seem to uplift her by any means. “I miss you when you're two streets away, never mind when you're here.”

“I'll be home for Thanksgiving,” she tried to make it seem not-so-bad again. “And Christmas! And we can FaceTime whenever you want! Even if I'm in class.”

Kara seemed to want to say more, but she didn't. She move to hug Lena with a sense of desperation and want that even Kara hadn't portrayed to her before. It caught Lena so off guard that it took a moment to realize she wasn't hugging her back. She clung to Kara the same way, pressing their bodies even closer together.

“I love you,” Lena swore Kara said as her lips were buried against her neck. But when she pulled away, she looked perfectly normal, so Lena figured she must have misheard.

“Call me later?”

Kara nodded, wiping her tears away. “You can count on it.”

“I'll see you, then.”

Kara still looked like she wanted to say something else as she froze and stared, but eventually she came back to life. “Hopefully time flies.”

Lena tried to keep herself together enough for the both of them, because Kara was clearly failing. She refused to let them both become messes. “It has to.”

 

xx

 

Time was not flying. Two weeks felt like two months, and no matter how much Lena tried to tell herself otherwise, FaceTime wasn't the same. Having Kara back in her life was a blessing, but four months of having her back wasn't enough. She wanted more time with her – all the time with her. She wanted to be home.

Days like today were the worst. Kara hadn't said much over text and the only other contact they had was a twenty minute phone call as Kara drove to campus for her 9 AM class.

She checked her phone for new messages again just as there was a knock on the door. She laughed and shook her head. Sam was a good roommate, but this had to be the sixth time she'd locked herself out.

But it wasn't Sam. It wasn't Sam at all.

“Hey,” Kara breathed out.

There was no time to reply as Kara nearly toppled her over from kissing her so abruptly. Lena didn't know what warranted this, but she didn't care. She wasted no time in kissing her back, her arms wrapping around waist her until her hands were resting on her back. The only reason they pulled away was to catch their breath.

Lena stepped back, allowing Kara in as she tucked a strand of hair behind her own ear. “Hey.”

“That wasn't what I planned,” Kara laughed to herself. “I had a speech.”

“I won't stop you from giving it.”

“Well, the end result was me kissing you, so there's no point now.”

Lena sat on her bed, leaning her back against the wall and she motioned for Kara to join her. “What are you doing here?”

Kara shrugged as she obliged and sat beside her. “I missed you.”

“I felt that.”

She saw Kara's cheeks redden the slightest bit as her expression became sheepish. “I'm sorry.”

“Please,” Lena begged. “Don't apologize.”

“I came here impulsively,” Kara admitted, staring up at Lena with sparkling eyes. “I really was driving to class this morning – I even made it to the parking lot – but then we had to hung up and I just… needed to come. I needed to see you, because this is stupid. Not being together is stupid. I don't care how far you are or how heightened our emotions have been. You're the person I want next to me when I'm having the best day of my life, and you're the person I want next to me when I'm having the worst. I always want you by my side – and I always have. Since third grade, I've wanted you in my life forever.”

It was everything Lena wanted to hear and more. “I've wanted the same.”

“Breaking up with you was for the best, but things are different now,” she fought as if Lena would argue. “I'm out now. And if I can't be in a relationship with you, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone, because they'll never measure up. No one can beat your place in my life. I'll never love anyone more than I love you.”

“Nor will I,” Lena grimaced. “I tried.”

“And that too!” Kara exclaimed as if Lena had made a point. “I don't want you to date anyone else. I don't want to be selfless with you anymore. Or, I do, but not if it means not having you. I'd give anything up for you, but not if it means giving _you_ up. Deciding not to date, then seeing you with someone else? Losing you a second time? It would kill me. I'm not even being over dramatic, I think it would literally kill me.”

Lena just smiled down at her, wanting nothing more than to sit here and listen to Kara babble about her undying love for the rest of her life.

Kara seemed frustrated when she asked, “If you love me and I love you – which I _certainly_ do, if you haven't noticed – what's keeping us apart?”

“I don't know. I know my love for you is a constant, though,” Lena promised when she remembered that this wasn't a dream and she had to say something. “Waiting won't change that. If that's what you're worried about–”

“I'm not worried about anything,” Kara didn't bother to let her finish the sentence. “I just want to be with you. Point blank, end of story, I just want to be with you.”

“Point blank, end of story, I just want to be with you too,” Lena almost bursted from the joy that was bubbling inside her.

Kara shifted on the bed, and suddenly her legs were straddling Lena, her arms wrapped around her neck as she kissed her again. “I love you,” she murmured between kisses. “I love you,” she pulled away again. “I love you.”

Lena felt like the smile on her face would never come off, because this was all she'd been wanting for over a year and a half. _This_ was what she’d been needing.

“I love you, I love you, I love you too.”

And just like that, she was whole again.

She didn't question why, though. She already knew.

It was Kara.

It was always supposed to be Kara.

It always would be Kara.

That was the only thing Lena knew for certain. It was the only thing she needed.

Kara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a happy ending, didn't I? thank you for reading + the kudos/comments. I appreciate it so much!
> 
> come follow me on tumblr if you want: shes-cured.tumblr.com


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